OverFlow: Why Mixing Boxes Is Not Always Great
“Mixing boxes” is what happens in situations where people I know from different parts of my life are exposed to a different version of me that others know.
OverFlow is what happens when I overthink, overflow, and over-everything. When my feelings have nowhere to go, I write about them.
“Mixing boxes” happens when people I know from different parts of my life are exposed to a different version of me that others know. I coined the term when I was a teenager, probably when I first had to explain why I had multiple nicknames—Mia, Miao, Maria.
As an adult in therapy, I learned that not “mixing boxes” is a survival tactic I learned to cope with childhood trauma and that it’s the same as putting on multiple “masks,” each for different situations. Only with boxes, the solution to resolve trauma is not to “unmask” completely. It’s to know when to enforce a box’s boundaries and when to ignore it.
What Are Your Different Boxes?
People who know me as “Mia” probably know me as part of my family or are childhood friends. People who know me as “Miao” probably know me from college or my career in the Philippines. People who know me as “Maria” probably know me from making music or working with me here in the United States.
These nicknames are the bigger boxes with little boxes inside. For example, a special box in “Miao” contains my life with Raf—that nickname started as a way for me to differentiate between being Mia and someone other than who I was at my childhood home. Still, in some parts of my life, it evolved into a shortened version of “Mia Olivar.” There’s also a box in “Maria” reserved for situations where I need to use my legal first name, “Maria Carmina.”
Using different nicknames is my way of telling them apart, but it could be different for you. Your boxes may be built according to location, group, or even wardrobe.
What Happens When You Mix Boxes?
Chaos ensues. That’s what it feels like to me. But sometimes, there’s nothing I can do about it. When I performed at Route 196 on my birthday a few years ago, my mother and in-laws made it a point to watch my band and stay at the venue, even though I don’t remember telling them about it. It was very stressful but also very sweet. When I met Stratosfear—or, as his bigger box people call him, Reilly—for the first time when we visited New York, it felt weird to hang out at a Starbucks with him, my husband, and two friends from different groups. Thankfully, we had enough intersecting interests to maintain a conversation.
Often, mixing boxes puts me in a freeze state. I don’t know how to act or what to say because I end up mixing different versions of myself to fit into the situation. My therapist says that feeling is a need to control what happens, which is related to my real problem—I don’t like showing vulnerability.
While I agree that I constantly strive to be okay with vulnerability, I don’t agree that I always have to be vulnerable. Who even does that? I need these boxes to stay put, or else I’ll go insane. I still haven’t mastered being fully myself in public—and unmasking in front of my husband doesn’t count.
Why Are We Talking About Boxes, Anyway?
This newsletter has always been a reflection of who I am—all versions of me. While I didn’t realize this when I was younger—and still writing on Livejournal, Tumblr, Tinyletter, etc.—it’s painfully obvious now. Through my personal writing, I can be fully perceived, and there’s no way for me to hide.
I’ve been trying to share this newsletter with my co-workers for weeks since I revived it earlier this year. But I can’t do it! I think it’s because I don’t want to mix boxes. They know me as “Maria,” and that’s safe and acceptable to me and my brain. They like me now. But who knows whether or not they’ll like all of me? This situation has me questioning this concept and how I’ve carried it throughout my life.
Tell Me Who You Are—Behind Your Mask/s.
I’m Miao, and I’m a lot depressed and a little anxious all the time. I’m a recovering people pleaser and still learning to love all parts of me. I get overstimulated easily, and my feelings overflow all the time. I don’t like to be perceived, but I also get lonely. How about you?
Photo by Jerry Yan on Unsplash
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