Just Me Being Me: When My First Work Retreat Becomes My First Everything

I wouldn’t say I like traveling. I didn’t grow up doing it much and, therefore, don’t have much practice catching planes.

Mar 24, 2024

Just Me Being Me is literally just me being me, living my life outside my comfort zone when it happens as it happens. Since I’m a dedicated introvert, this doesn’t happen much, which makes it doubly interesting when it does.

I wouldn’t say I like traveling. I didn’t grow up doing it much—past two-hour trips to my dad’s fish farm on weekends—and, therefore, don’t have much practice catching planes and slinging my passport around. I have never traveled truly alone—on the flight to Elements Camp in 2010, I knew some of the other passengers. I also have never been to a work retreat—not counting the group trip to Dan’s vacation house in Tagaytay when AmplifyPH was just a startup starting up. However, as an adult working remotely, I have to know how to survive traveling alone and engage in work-related events that may be set up far away from where I live.

Traveling Alone

I did what any nerd would do. I overprepared. I read up on both airports I’d be passing through, took screenshots of essential emails, told some friends I needed to carry on conversations with them “in case I panic,” and even took my passport with me—to travel to an almost neighboring state. I packed light with just one carry-on and one personal item. I practiced not pursing my lips or rolling my eyes even though I still would be wearing a mask and a massive pair of glasses. I even had a mantra I quietly recited over and over: “I am strong. I am confident. I am a 40-year-old woman. I won’t let my anxiety lie to me. I can do this.”

It is so hard to always be the adult in the room! My husband is so confident and strong, and throughout this trip, I realized that I must have been a burden to him while we were traveling—at least once. All the smiling, remembering, and always being on was so tiring, but I went through all of it, and I’m still alive. I safely reached my hotel room, put on my rain sounds, bathed, and changed into work-appropriate clothes for the welcome panel. Also, I saw and touched snow for the first time!

Working Together

After AmplifyPH, I often worked as part of a team, but it felt different. I guess I just wasn’t with my people—my co-workers didn’t share my interests, and we didn’t care about one another. That is until Dreamscape hired me.

It seems dramatic to say that Dreamscape saved my life, but it might as well have. Since moving to Vegas from the Philippines in 2019, I had just supported us through remote freelance work. It was stressful, tiring, and not very rewarding, but it was comfortable and safe. However, it could not support us living a better life—and with looming health problems and other worries, we were kind of on a deadline. Dreamscape hired me as a freelancer and then as a full-time remote employee. This was after I had assignments due and then had a stroke, so I couldn’t complete them.

Anyway, that diversion from the topic at hand was all to explain how much Dreamscape means to me. Now, it means even more because hiring me has also made me part of its content team. I met most of them during this work retreat, and it didn’t feel different this time. It’s the same. I’m getting that feeling from working my dream job at AmplifyPH—it feels comfortable and safe, but it also feels like magic, like I belong. I mixed boxes, and it went swimmingly. It wasn’t the first time, but the first in a long, long time.

Living Alone

I was convinced that one of the mirrors from the hotel room I stayed in was haunted, but now I think it was my anxiety lying to me. Even with my nighttime skincare, Bluetooth speaker, and rain sounds, I had difficulty sleeping. Again, I think it’s that feeling of needing to be the adult in the room. If someone knocks on the door or something weird happens, I can’t be asleep. I didn’t realize I depended on always being with Raf for my sanity.

On my second night, the haunted mirror was messing with my head, and in the middle of the night, I woke up and needed to vomit twice. I felt miserable afterward and had to drink tons of water and eat a few mandarins to settle my stomach. While doing so, I sat on my bed watching an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit starring the original girl from Halloweentown.

I messaged my manager that I would probably sleep in, but my body still woke up in time for breakfast. I got ready and was already sitting and watching a panel when a cold dread started overtaking my entire being. I remembered that it was not only the Spring equinox—Ostara to my pagan witches—and the beginning of Mercury retrograde but also my father’s birthday. I felt very lonely at that moment because I couldn’t imagine telling my co-workers about my grief or even think about unmasking. But I did it—that afternoon’s teambuilding session had us talk about people who impacted our lives, and I wasn’t the first to bring up my father. I didn’t expect to cry in front of my co-workers, but I did.

Saying Goodbye and Coming Back

It feels weird to admit this, but I’ll say it: I kind of wish this wasn’t a remote working situation. I like my co-workers, and I’m glad they seem to like me back, no matter how often my insecurities show. I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like “the brown one,” “the short one,” or even “Maria” without a rolling R, but it does feel like magic whenever we’re together. I’m glad they seem to agree with my mantra and see me as a strong, confident 40-year-old woman who won’t let her anxiety lie to her and can do whatever this is.

Saying goodbye was challenging, but coming back was even more complicated. My husband loves traveling and worries about me so much, so I don’t know whether to highlight this trip’s positive elements or complain about the negatives. I know he misses me, but I’m also exhausted and socialized out. I’m very proud of myself, but I’m also very proud of him for holding the fort here at home. I was a little annoyed that the adobo and lemon loaf cake I made for him before I left was untouched, but probably not as irritated as he was when I would message him during this week complaining about traveling. Overall, this work retreat trip was a success—if only because now that I’m back in the desert, I can genuinely appreciate how warm it is here compared to the rest of the United States.

How has your week been? Tell me about it!

Miao? Wow!

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