Just Me Being Me: Walking, Singing, Crying, Laughing, and Feeling Embarrassment All at Once
Two weeks ago, I finally had enough of my inability to care for myself. I put my foot down and was determined to start walking again and return to my regular exercise routine.
Just Me Being Me is literally just me being me, living my life outside my comfort zone when it happens as it happens. Since I’m a dedicated introvert, this doesn’t happen much, which makes it doubly interesting when it does.
Two weeks ago, I finally had enough of my inability to care for myself. I put my foot down and was determined to start walking again and return to my regular exercise routine.
I could feel the birthday blues start to come in, and I didn’t want to have to deal with that after just getting over a long depressive stint. I used the momentum from my current positive mindset to return to a habit I knew I loved and would appreciate—once I got over the initial hump of feeling like it was a daily time and energy sink.
Why Do I Start and Stop a Habit That’s Good for Me?
Everyone does this, right? It’s not just me. You can have it in your head that a healthy diet and regular exercise benefit your overall health, but it won’t convince you to keep up habits that aren’t from your childhood. I wasn’t an active child, and I loved food, so all these healthy habits are just things I picked up as I was growing up and learning how to be an adult.
For me, I think it’s a cycle I repeat. I don’t always feel AMAZING, even though I know I’m an amazing woman all the time. When I don’t feel great, I tend not to care for myself as well as I should. These are old, unhealthy behaviors, and I’m trying to get rid of them—but they do pop up when life gets hard. When I’m feeling particularly stressed or exhausted, I forget to keep up with my skincare routine, stop listening to myself, eat more sugar than I should, hyperfocus on mobile games, and put off my daily walking routine. It’s like I’m using all my energy and effort to survive, and there’s not enough for self-care and self-love.
How Did I Get Back to Walking Every Day?
There’s no secret to this. I just put on my walking shoes, slathered some sunscreen, and went outside. The only way out is through, and the only way to start is… to start.
Honestly, though, a lot of fear goes into my motivational process. I have diabetes, so regular exercise is not just good for me—it’s essential. My A1C levels go up when I don’t get regular exercise, and no one wants daily lancets to check those levels. I don’t want to ever get to that point.
While I still miss being fat, I don’t want to keep changing sizes—my wardrobe budget and size don’t have room for that. I finally fit into straight sizes, so I bought a bunch of clothes in L. It would drive me up a wall if they didn’t fit me because I put off exercising.
How Did My First Day Back to Walking Go?
Immediately after my first few steps, I knew I had waited too long. I shifted from my typical walking playlist (114–115 BPM) to the first playlist I made when I started this habit (97–98 BPM). The first song that played was “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit, which made me laugh but motivated me to keep going.
Walking in the dead heat of summer is terrible, but not as bad without humidity. I didn’t slow down but started feeling thirsty and kawawa (pitiful). As I sometimes do, I started crying while walking—although this time, I think it was partly because of my holdover spring allergies. “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” by Whitney Houston played through my earphones, and I started singing along while crying. I passed by a stranger hauling furniture from an apartment to a truck, and he sang along with me the “Don’t you wanna dance, say you wanna dance, don’t you wanna dance” part at the end.
I turned to look at him, and I shouldn’t have because he saw me crying and tried to comfort me while still singing along. I mumbled something about having spring allergies and fast-walked away.
The embarrassment from that jump-started another bout of crying, and “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips started playing. I sang along, too, while full-on sobbing. “Don’t you know, things can change, things will go your way…” Now, THAT’s an anthem for someone who keeps on stopping/starting a healthy regular exercise habit. I’ve taken to ending my walks with that song because it really motivates me, especially the part that goes “Hold on for one more day”—because I’m still at the stage where I want to quit every single day.
Is There Anything You Need to Get Back to This Year?
After my first day back walking, I felt like a zombie, but it was worth it. My husband mentioned that he’s having trouble dealing with seeing the energy change in my day-to-day life, but he knows that I am a different, better person when I walk every day. We both need to weather these growing pains—until the next time I stop and have to start again in the future, I guess. But no one wants to think about that they’re in the middle of restarting a good habit!
How about you? Is there anything you need to restart? Go on… do it! There’s no embarrassment in trying again, just in giving up altogether. It’s your life and your rules. Who cares if you failed or end up failing again? The important thing is that every little bit counts. Tell me what you need to get back to and why you haven’t started. Talk again soon!
Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash
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