OverFlow: (The Dead Can) Dance Like No One’s Watching
I didn’t expect to miss my dead dad because of a Netflix rom-com, but here we are.
OverFlow is what happens when I overthink, overflow, and over-everything. When my feelings have nowhere to go, I write about them.
Full disclosure: This is something I wrote on June 17, 2019. I’ve been riding a depressive episode these past few weeks and am still putting things together in my head to make my way out of it. One of the things that cheer me up as I do this is silly dancing, which I learned from my dad. Yes, this is another post about my dead dad.
I didn’t expect to miss my dead dad because of a Netflix rom-com, but here we are.
My best friend put on Always Be My Maybe while we were eating lunch with our respective husbands—Raf and I are staying with them while job hunting in Vegas—and I was reduced to quiet sobs 15 minutes in.
I couldn’t figure out what triggered the tears at first. It was during an on-screen dad moment, but it wasn’t anything special. Marcus dances to music while smoking. His dad asks him what he’s doing and then starts dancing with him.
Sidebar: Marcus’s dad in Always Be My Maybe is played by James Saito. He also played the Shredder in the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live-action film from the ’90s!
It wasn’t until hours after the movie ended and I was alone with my thoughts that it finally hit me. It was the silliness of it all, and it was the dancing. I loved watching my dad dance. I loved laughing uproariously at his antics.
I cried some more. Then, I went searching for pictures to include in this post. Even more tears, this time
Who Is My Dad to Me?
My dad is a silly person, but I don’t think most people would describe him this way.
Dad was always so serious when posing for photos, but that habit left the visual documentation of his life lopsided. He was silly and corny, and he knew it. He played up these traits whenever he interacted with me as a child, and I think this means that there’s a part of him that only I know.
My mother’s side is a family of dancers, but my dad’s… is not. This didn’t stop him from dancing in front of family, though. It didn’t happen often, and it was almost always to make us laugh. I feel like these isolated events are probably considered personality anomalies by other family members. To me, they were precious minutes when my dad showed his true, joyful self.
Why Wasn’t Dad the Person I Knew All the Time?
He always told me to “be yourself, all the time”—so why didn’t he follow his advice? I’ve thought about this a lot. I believe that he reminded me to do this so often because he, too, needed to hear the words just as much as I did.
He wasn’t the person I knew all the time because he couldn’t be. Who knows why? I admit I never got to talk with my dad about his childhood and possible emotional triggers and habits he carried with him until he died.
My Dad Was A Proud Man
Here’s what I do know: He wasn’t known for being okay with making fun of himself publicly. My dad was a proud man—some would go as far as to say arrogant—and he loved being the center of attention but never as the punchline. It was unthinkable for my dad to admit he didn’t know how to do something.
One of the few times he did—albeit indirectly—was when he danced. Putting together his painfully awkward moves, knowing full well that I was probably the only one in the room worse at dancing than he was, was definitely him letting go of his ego. He didn’t know it, but those moments were powerful and unforgettable.
Himself Only for Me to See
He did other things that brought out the same part of himself for me to see. He played the guitar and sang his rare original songs when it was just the two of us. He loved singing about his favorite snacks! He joked about doing things badly just to try it out. He never actually did these things in real life, but he’d describe to me how bad he would be if he played golf, painted, rapped, etc.
Dancing was special, though. My dad danced when other people were around! It wasn’t just for me. He was himself all the time when it was just us. To the rest of the world, he was his pure self only when he was dancing—but the world didn’t know.
How Do I Keep My Dad’s Legacy Alive?
I already do. When I told my husband about what triggered me while we were watching Always Be My Maybe, he pointed out that silly dancing is a definitive trait of mine.
This is something I didn’t realize until he mentioned it! My mom and sister dance a lot, so I guess that’s where I picked up the habit. The moves are all from my dad, though.
Ultimately, it’s all about being myself all the time—just like my dad wanted us to be. I will try extra hard now because I’m doing it for both of us.
If you’ve enjoyed reading this or something else I’ve written, please consider buying me a coffee. ☕ Thank you!