Just Me Being Me: Not Being Here After I've Apologized for Going Into Hiding
There's a good explanation for all of this, but it won't be easy to put into words.
Just Me Being Me is literally just me being me, living my life outside my comfort zone when it happens as it happens. Since I’m a dedicated introvert, this doesn’t happen much, which makes it doubly interesting when it does.
Where did we leave off? Ah, yes. It was the end of June — I was working my way through #Decolonize30for30 prompts left over from April, hyped about the Strawberry full moon, and feeling some pretty heavy birthday blues.
After that last newsletter of mine was sent, I’d accepted my freelance assignments for July and had already scheduled everything so I’d have enough free time to celebrate my birthday month.
However, the unexpected happened — a death in the family superseded everything else. Raf and I ended up on a plane during the first week of July, with no clear idea of how long we would be in the Philippines.
Being With Family
It was a relief to be home in the Philippines — but at the same time, the feeling was bittersweet. We did not want to come home because of someone dying.
However, being there for the people that were truly affected by the death is a special kind of gift that you only understand how to give after you’ve experienced grief firsthand. I tried my best to be supportive but out of the way when I wasn’t needed. I hope that whatever I did helped. Seeing my husband with his family was also pretty special. Because we all live in different states and countries, moments like these don’t come very often.
Seeing my own family was my own silver lining. When I left two years ago, I honestly didn’t know when I would ever see any of them again. My mom’s face, as she saw me again after two years apart, was priceless. My sister sewed a dress for me that I got to bring home with me to Nevada. I also spent time with my brother, who’d had COVID-19 earlier this year — he’s looking well and seems healthy.
Being With Friends
This was actually the best part of going back to the Philippines. NV is a great place, but it’s very difficult to make friends as an adult. I don’t have a group of friends here in NV. Although I do have one friend, we share different interests and really don’t see each other a lot anymore now that we don’t live together.
Even though the inurnment happened during my actual birthday, I still got to celebrate multiple times. Raf and I went to Cubao to see my family on the night of my birthday. Raf’s family took me out to a Japanese dinner and also got a huge cake. And finally, almost a week after my birthday, we had an open-air gathering to hang out with our friends — and they surprised me with a cake and a “happy birthday” song.
Being with our old friends during the pandemic was a little bit weird for me. Yes, Raf and I are both vaccinated — but most of our friends only had their first shots, if at all. We were careful the whole night, even though I was honestly so anxious about our safety protocols. And then my social anxiety kicked in, too. Would my friends still like me? Would they laugh at my jokes? Was the span of two years too long to be apart? Honestly, my friends are the best. They probably felt how anxious I was but were still there for me and Raf, anyway.
Buying What I Want
Another great thing that happened was I bought birthday gifts for myself in the Philippines! I got a few decks for my practice and a lot of jewelry from Las Aves and Nawa — brands headed by two of my close friends.
I’ll be posting more about these purchases soon! But they have soothed my weary and tired soul, and I’m happy that I have them. I’m grateful that I get to choose these things for myself.
Being Away From Loaf
The last time I was away from Loaf, I spent days at the hospital because of my stroke. While our reunion after that situation was glorious, it was nothing compared to how Loaf reacted when we saw him again. Loaf met Raf first, as I headed over to our apartment first to deal with our luggage. But when I picked up Loaf in my arms, finally, it was when I really felt like we’d arrived back home here in NV.
Mara and Ryan took care of Loaf while we were gone and I will be forever grateful. Been spending a lot of time with Loaf recently to make up for the time he probably felt like we’d abandoned him. Lots of treats and walks for Loaf in the near future.
Being Away From My Altar
I had no plans of not doing my moon rituals in the Philippines, but on the night of July 9, I felt like I had no strength in me to practice. It didn’t feel right to me to do my rituals outside of my sacred space, even though I did feel the power coursing through me during the storms that descended on Manila while we were there. We got home to NV in time for the full moon in Aquarius on July 23, but I was still recovering from jet lag and again felt like I had no strength in me to practice.
So where does that leave me? Right here, with new spell ingredients, oracle decks, and a tarot deck from the Philippines. I’m itching to use what I’ve collected while we were in Manila. Maybe I’ll do a small ritual tonight — Sunday, I mean.
Being Here From Now to the Next Emergency
I promise I’ll be here next Sunday, and hopefully the Sundays after that. I know that how often I write and what I write about are completely up to me, but I also know that a schedule that everyone can count on is also important.
How have you been? What have you been up to this July?
Photo by Nivenn Lanos on Unsplash
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