Just Me Being Me: Grief, Abundance, Failure, and Other Lessons
Today, January 14, is my Dad’s death anniversary.
Just Me Being Me is literally just me being me, living my life outside my comfort zone when it happens as it happens. Since I’m a dedicated introvert, this doesn’t happen much, which makes it doubly interesting when it does.
Pardon the late weekly substack post—I’m still getting used to doing this again, and my feelings are not quite okay. Today, January 14, is my Dad’s death anniversary. As I’m typing, I listen to the songs we love and struggle to feel his presence.
Remembering That Everyone Grieves Differently
The sentiment came to me as we watched Thunder Road, and now that I’m grieving my Dad, I understand it more. It’s difficult for me to explain why my Dad’s death is connected to my sudden lack of interest in making music or even singing, but the connection is there. Whenever I pick up a guitar or sing, I feel guilty, and I wonder why it didn’t occur to me years earlier to collaborate with my Dad and record us performing together.
Anyway. Earlier this week, I accidentally heard “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac and burst into uncontrollable sobs. I thought it could be the new moon affecting my feelings, but it ended up being my grief. I’d forgotten my Dad’s death anniversary, as I usually only celebrate his birthday and wedding anniversary with my Mom. I ended up fixating on the song and picked up the guitar to accompany myself singing it. For the first time in forever, I didn’t feel guilty. And I think I understand the song better now! Maybe it took turning 40 to get the lyrics.
Speaking of the New Moon
Is anybody else feeling a lot of abundance in their lives right now? Yes, new moons are typically related to new beginnings—especially at the start of a new year—but the new moon a few days ago was special. Retrogrades of multiple bodies—not just Mercury and even including Jupiter—have ended. People may feel like a long period of stagnancy is finally over, particularly cardinal signs like Cancer and Libra.
I’ve started (and failed at) several New Year’s resolutions in the last few days. Mostly, though, I’ve been feeling abundance, growth, potential, and productivity. This Substack shaking off its cobwebs is proof of that.
Remembering That Contentment Doesn’t Require Everything to Be Good
I’ve been baking a lot more recently and tried to make a drop double-crushed (pineapple and almond) cookie recipe last week. It didn’t go well. I think I crushed the almonds too much and added too much crushed pineapple (a.k.a. double-crushed it, but not in the way intended). The dough was very tacky, and the cookies came out bland, burnt at the edges, and very soft in the middle. It wasn’t an instant success like my previous cookie recipe, the drop strawberry and chocolate chip one. I’ve never been good at processing failure, but I’m learning now to be better at it with these baking adventures. Sometimes, learning—and not just doing well—is contentment.
I’ve been terrified of COVID-19 again recently, and I feel like I’m alone in this. When we went to COSTCO a few days ago, I couldn’t eat inside because I’d need to take off my mask. I know I annoyed Raf by bringing it up. After loading the groceries at the back, we ended up eating in the car. I must remember that I persuaded myself to get out of the house and do the groceries with Raf and that our pantry and fridge are now clean, organized, and full.
My company is planning a huge retreat this March, and I’ve already come to terms with the dangers of attending it RE: COVID—with traveling and meeting hundreds of people—but this week, they announced that people will be sharing rooms. What? I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. I’m still figuring out what to do with this information, but I’m leaning toward not going now. It wouldn’t further my connections at work and would deprive me of an opportunity to socialize, but I’d be safe. I need to remember that having a job and the option to choose whether or not to go to a company retreat are signs of abundance that others may not have in their lives. Whatever I decide to do, I can still look forward to growing and being a better person.
How Are You?
This was basically a look into my life at this moment. May I have a look at yours? How has your 2024 been so far?
Photo by Victoria Morgan on Unsplash
If you’ve enjoyed reading this or something else I’ve written, please consider buying me a coffee. ☕ Thank you!