Just Me Being Me: 🎶 Until Then, We'll Have to Muddle Through Somehow 🎶
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
Just Me Being Me is literally just me being me, living my life outside my comfort zone when it happens as it happens. Since I’m a dedicated introvert, this doesn’t happen much, which makes it doubly interesting when it does.
Confession: I was going to publish an old piece for this week’s newsletter because I wanted to enjoy my weekend.
But I got to thinking. Why do I even maintain this weekly correspondence in the first place? Why do I feel the need to produce or send you content when I don’t feel like it? Appreciative as I am of the two dozen or so readers I have — hello and thank you — I often still feel like oversharing might not be the best way to use my creative energy.
So let’s do something different today. I’m going to try writing without an outline and without a personal story in mind to share. Let’s spend a little bit of time together, just the two dozen or so of us.
Think of this as a Miao Wow–hosted Christmas party!
How Have the Holidays Been Treating You?
Ah, yes. The requisite “How’ve you been?” — a staple at all holiday gatherings.
What’s your canned response for this? My default is to talk about how I’m very far from everything and everyone I know and love, and how I don’t want to spend the holiday season enjoying myself at the cost of possibly endangering other people.
Talking about COVID-19 is inevitable, even when you don’t use the actual words. You could ban “COVID, ” “coronavirus,” “pandemic,” and “quarantine” from conversations and you’d still end up discussing how everything is so far from “normal” right now.
But now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s try to go beyond the now-acknowledged 🐘 elephant in the room. Some ice breakers:
What do the holidays look like where you live?
Did you put up a tree, string together lights, or hang up stockings?
Are you planning a special menu for Christmas dinner?
Have you ordered or wrapped presents for your loved ones?
Is your family planning a virtual gathering or are you celebrating in person?
You’ll notice that most of these are yes/no questions. That doesn’t work too well IRL, but since you’re simply reading this — possibly days or weeks after I’ve written everything down — carrying on a conversation isn’t really the point. I want us all to consider what we’ve done these past few weeks to prepare for the holidays.
If your house is in disarray and you haven’t gotten around to getting presents, that’s okay. If you’re not feeling the holiday spirit and plan to go about your business during the 24th and 25th like you would any other day, that’s okay. The year has been hard enough on all of us. We don’t have to pretend we’re fine if we’re not.
If you’re the type of person that believes in the “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality, though, go for it! That’s okay, too.
The important thing is to be aware that not everyone celebrates the holiday season the way you do. But we all deserve a time for rest and relaxation and a little bit of cheer. If you’re feeling blue, do reach out to someone who will listen and hold space for you.
You can talk to me if no one else comes to mind. I’ll be here. I promise! Let this be my Christmas gift to you.
What’s Your Favorite Holiday Memory?
Let’s look to the past — before this cursed year. I’m going to bend the rules I set for myself earlier a little bit and indulge in Christmas 🎄 nostalgia, but it’s to encourage you to do the same.
I miss sitting at the dinner table in the house where I grew up — basking in the magnificence of traditional decor and the glow of Christmas lights on the tree. I miss the traditional spread — morcon and chicken galantina in particular. Paella is another favorite, but my family doesn’t serve it strictly for Noche Buena like the other two.
What about you? Think about your favorite holiday memory. Why is it the one that sticks out? What’s so special about that one?
I often overanalyze why I remember the things I do. I find that it helps me map my emotions. Some people keep a mind palace. I think I have a wilderness that spans my heart and soul. As I started really going through what was going on inside of me this year, I realized how important my family is to me.
Isn’t it crazy that I never really thought of myself as that type of person before? Me — the person that just 100% can’t write anything personal without mentioning my mom or my dad or our house in Cubao. What a blind spot to have had for more than 30 years. Now: What are your favorite memories revealing to you? Listen to yourself.
Where Do You Go From Here?
It might not feel good to think about 2021 yet. That’s okay. But instead of thinking of a response to the question above in terms of physical spaces, try reflecting on where you’ve gone in your mind this year — and where you hope to go next.
I don’t know about everyone else, but 2020 forced me to sit with myself. There was nothing else to do. How startling it was to find out that I didn’t really know myself! Even more painful were the wounds I uncovered when I started asking the hard questions: Why am I this way? Where do these destructive habits come from?
Awareness is not enough to move forward. So even though I’ve done some work this year and I’ve grown a bit, the journey continues. Self-work doesn’t stop. Like any life-long relationship, the one you have with yourself changes and adapts and remains part of you. I’m excited but frankly very uncomfortable about the next step.
What about you? We’ve talked about the present and the past, and now we’re looking to the future. What does future you look like? How do you think you can work toward that image without burning yourself out?
If you don’t know how to answer the questions above, that’s okay. You’re not meant to have an epiphany while reading this newsletter — unless…? 😮 LOL.
Seriously, though. These questions are what I ask myself when I’m meditating alone, doing the kind of practical magic I think I’m capable of right now. They’re meant to be a guide. Until the answers to these questions come to us, 🎶 we’ll all have to muddle through somehow. 🎶
Thank you for subscribing to this humble newsletter. Thank you for spending part of your holidays with me. Please do have yourself a merry little Christmas. I love you all.
Photo by Rodion Kutsaev on Unsplash
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