Just Me Being Me: Why Is It So Easy to Get in Your Own Way?
We should be wired to survive and recognize when we're tripping ourselves up.
Just Me Being Me is literally just me being me, living my life outside my comfort zone when it happens as it happens. Since I’m a dedicated introvert, this doesn’t happen much, which makes it doubly interesting when it does.
I’ve talked about feeling like a witch — and being one — before, but it feels to me like magick is something I don’t really want to explore. Only, I really do! I dream about it. I talk to myself about it. I have multiple vision boards about it that I update regularly.
Finally, I bought some witchcraft supplies last week. Took a photo of one of the pieces and posted it as an IG story — after which my sister and my sister-in-law both messaged me the same reaction: “What’s that?”
So I told them both the same thing: That I’d always been interested in stuff like that but felt silly about it. And now that I have my own home, I finally decided to buy the stuff to create an altar in my home office. Because it’s my house. It’s my home office. Why would I feel silly about something I’m genuinely interested in when I’m putting it in the most sacred of all my sacred self-spaces?
Why Do I Sound So Defensive?
I know that I sounded a little too defensive about the entire thing. I got a little defensive talking to my therapist about the decision to finally spend money on this interest of mine, too. I’ve spent the past few days trying to figure out why I’m reacting this way to something I genuinely want to grow as an interest.
When I talked to my therapist about it, we touched on me never treating myself or buying myself anything that was just simply for myself. So that might be it. But also — this is something she brought up — maybe it’s a culture and religion thing?
I feel weird that I connect to non-Filipino witchcraft traditions because that’s really all that I’ve found to read online and in libraries. I’m drawn to the practice of witchcraft, though. Not neo-paganism or Wicca. My goddesses would probably be Anagolay and her daughter Dian Masalanta — but where would I find a photo or sculpture to represent them?
Most of my experience and knowledge when it comes to Filipino witchcraft makes me think that many of its parts don’t appeal to me. I don’t want to curse anyone! But I am drawn to making charms and spell jars — which I know is part of Filipino witchcraft, but again I’ve no sources. So I studied how it’s been done in other cultures.
The Catholic in me might be throwing a huge fit with all of this talk about witchcraft. MAYBE? I don’t know. I don’t let her out much, but she did turn her back on religion because of the way Catholics reacted to her tarot cards.
ANYWAY. My sister mentioned something about having an altar in her yoga room and also collecting crystals. My sister-in-law said something about sage smudging her house. Probably to make me feel like I wasn’t being too silly. What they shared made me feel connected to them, and also very happy that I finally pursued this interest.
Because if they did, and I didn’t even know about it, then that could be what happens to me, right? I could go and be a witch and no one would even know.
Why Do I Care What People Think of Me?
Honestly, I don’t even know. I thought I was past all of this.
Maybe there’s still that little bit of self-hate in me — the part of me that doesn’t believe I should get to enjoy things unless I’ve earned it, the part of me that doesn’t want to reward myself when I deserve it. Maybe it’s that part that’s resisting what honestly feels like a change that’s been a long time coming.
That part of me doesn’t want to buy what’s left to complete my altar. Because it’s so much money spent on myself! How could I ever justify it in my mind? Only, I really want to, even if it feels bad to spend my money.
This is probably what growing up poor did to me. I know I want these things. I know I made the money in my account. So why is it such a difficult decision? Maybe that’s part of what I’m afraid of when it comes to what people will think. Just the WASTE of making this a hobby I spend on, what would people say about it? Even if it makes me happy.
This way of thinking is such rubbish. Two male friends actually asked me about this whole decision I’m making — be a witch vs. don’t waste time on it — and they both seem to be supportive. I mean, one of them said, “I’ll be a wizard!” But that could still be a show of support.
Why Does Being a Witch Matter to Me Now?
Honestly, I think that this moment in my life is when everything’s built up so much that my interest in it can no longer be tamped down or ignored. I feel it calling to me! Is that weird? Does that sound a bit off? I’m so glad I have a therapist that will talk to me about this.
After a year of the pandemic, a stroke I needed to recover from, and finally going to therapy — mixed in with the fact that I don’t make music anymore and I don’t have any local friends or any activities where it would be easy for me to make friends, plus I miss everyone from the Philippines — I think I’m ready to listen to this calling.
My therapist also mentioned something about me possibly making this about my relationships with my dad — who is dead but still very much a part of my life — and my brother. Both of them were the ones I thought of when she asked me if witchcraft ran in the family. Isn’t that odd? The men in the family are the closest to being witches in my estimation.
Maybe I’m finally ready to listen to myself — to all of my selves. Not just the ones I show to everyone else.
So before I wimp out and forget about all of this, I’ve written all of it here. I don’t want to hem and haw and then give up on setting up this altar just because I have negative feelings that I can’t even explain. This is the correct season for me to start on this journey. I already have some of the tools. I promise to respec from bard to witch. Even with all of this noise in my head.
And then, when I’ve finished and I’ve gotten out of my own — witch’s — way, I’ll tell you all about it.
Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash
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